distractions

i can't study.

it's a combination of anxiety and excitement. nothing about my boards, but still about my future. this year, my life could make an unexpected turn. it is terrifying to go out of your comfort zone and surrender to the unknown. this is probably the most frightened i've been in my life. more terrifying than jumping from a cliff into the sea, which i've done. i think it will be similar to that. the apprehension, the indecision, and finally, the conviction to go ahead and leap...and splash into the water...submerged for a while, but eventually surfacing and catching your breath. and after, you feel this exhilaration, relief, and pride that you were able to overcome your fear. at least i hope that's how it'll feel when i settle in and get my bearings.

and through it all, only one thing tilts the balance...that i love him, and he is worth the fall. help me take a deep breath and brace myself for the jump...

see here's what i think about signs. you often think of something you want, and ask a higher power for signs. when you perceive something that supports what you want, you see it as a positive sign that the higher power is in agreement. and this of course gives you permission to do whatever you would have done anyway. on the other hand, when all signs point to no, you automatically hear white noise and insist that this isn't the sign that you asked for, that it is vague in nature, and that it can't absolutely be the last word on the matter.

at this fork on my road, all signs have pointed to yes, still i hesitate